Steve Leibman NFW!

Hi Mr Trivia,

I was watching television this evening and I discovered that Steve F**king Leibman is now the weekend newsreader on Network 10. I mean for crying out loud! Didn't he retire? What does it take to get rid of this guy?

Leibman Despiser
Mansfield, Victoria
Australia


Hi Despiser,

It's really not that bad. Leibman, although dull and pedantic on his many years as TODAY show co-anchor is now merely a newsreader. Newsreaders have an ersatz personality built on appearing calm while reading about awful life-changing events or about dogs on surfboards at the end of the news.

Leibo won't piss you off nearly so much now. He wants to feel useful, so breathe through it , my friend. It's not that bad.

Mr Trivia


Mr Trivia would like to acknowledge that he always accentuates the positive and eliminates the negative wherever possible.

Colour Me Confused

Hi Mr Trivia,

It's 2006 so the old bromide "Blue and Green Must Never Be Seen" surely that's an old thing from the olden days before we had polyphonic ringtones and the like. Surely.

If I wanted to - f'rinstance - wear blue denim jeans, a jean jacket and a lincoln green T - surely that would be okay in these more relaxed times. Yeah?

Regards,

Mycron Blabey,
Hobart, Tasmania,
AUSTRALIA


Hi Micron.

I think the form of this answer should tell ya. BLUE AND GREEN SHOULD NEVER BE SEEN. Stick to it, dude.

Mr Trivia


Mr Trivia would like it known that although he has watched the Charlie Sheen sitcom TWO AND HALF MEN he laughed but once. And that was really only a snicker.

Kung Fu Not Real, Right?

Yo Mr Trivia,

My Friend Spencer and me have a bet for 10 dollars American, about Kung Fu. I say that it's a series of clever camera tricks, stunt-work, wire-work and computer generated animation that makes it look as though human beings are doing super-human feats of stength, athleticism and acrobaticism. It's origins are in the US television show of the 1970s "Kung Fu" starring David Carradine. It is all fake like another American show of the same era "The Six Million Dollar Man" starring Lee Majors. (Who, at that time, was married to Farrah Fawcett.)

Spencer says Kung Fu is an ancient Chinese martial art whose best practitioners can perform amazing feats of strength and speed.

Which of us is right?

Massimo Zampogna,
Firenze, Italia

P.S. Thanks for your help with the "According to Jim" question.



Hi Massimo,

Thanks for your comments. I am here to serve. As for the bet, Spencer is right again. Pay the man.

Mr Trivia



Please Note:
Mr Trivia would like to remind his readers of the time he was was working part-time at the Five & Dime. His boss was Mr McGee.

I Like Smoke and Lightning

Dear Mr Trivia,

I am a (usually) normal 36 year old mother of two girls married to a man I have known for fourteen years. For the last six years I have woken at 6am to get the family ready for school and work etc. So far, so blah.

In the last seven weeks I have woken with the tune and lyrics of Steppenwolf's "Born To Be Wild" pulsing in my head. After about five minutes or so of this, I start singing along. "Get your motor running and etc. It annoys my husband and now it's starting to drive the kids crazy!

I even downloaded Born to be Wild onto my iPod and played it for two days straight to drive it out of my head, but it didn't work!

Please, what can I do to stop this from happening?

Heavy Metal Thunder,
Anchorage,
Alaska, USA



Dear Heavy Metal,

I'm no expert, however I believe this is your subconscious mind telling your conscious mind to buy a motorcycle of some kind. Naturally a Harley would probably be the safest bet. Start looking through the yellow pages and be prepared to get out on the open road.

Although I could be wrong.

Mr Trivia



Please Note:
Mr Trivia is no kind of expert when it comes to counselling the mentally disordered or the love-lorn. He admits that he could be wrong.

It's Meta-Belushi, Right?

Yo, Mr Triv!

My friend Spencer and me have a $5 (American) bet . I say that According to Jim is a meta-sitcom because it is sending up Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens et. al. Clearly Jim Belushi "workin' stiff" isn't meant to be funny because he is too boorish, stupid, insensitive, detached and - let's face it - poorly-acted by Jim Belushi to be anything but a deeply witty "put-on" by some of the sharpest writers and performers working in US network sitcom since the Seinfeld.

Spencer says they "mean it". Little help here.

Massimo Zampogna, Firenze, Italia



Hi Massimo.

You owe Spencer five dollars American.

Mr Trivia



Please Note:
Although Mr Trivia says he is an atheist, he does so whilst crossing his fingers.

Is This Love?

Hi Mr Trivia,

I think I'm in love with Johanna Griggs from Better Homes and Gardens. Every Friday when I watch the show, her eyes seem to shine with a strong light of self-possessed contentment. She has all the qualities of a Mother Teresa plus she's real hot. Please Advise.

Griggsy Lover, Sydney, Australia


Hi Griggsy Lover,

You are completely, categorically wrong. You are infatuated with an image on your television screen. Grow up, man (or woman)! Love is about two people sharing something. It's about meeting someone and establishing a relationship built on trust. You, sad to say, have fallen for the most obvious trick in this outrageously false world in which we live.

The television screen is a one-way window, friend.

On their side there is a clean, lighted world of joy, love, adventure, happiness, fun, sex, food and incredibly large rooms even though the characters are only students or struggling clerks.

On our side there is naught but suffering and unhappiness and of course eventual death.

But you can only love in our world Griggsy-Lover. Their world is as closed to us as the Portal was to the lame child in that poem about the Pied Piper.

Hasta La Vista, Baby!

Senor Trivia


Please Note:
While Mr Trivia takes all possible care to read and understand your letters, sometimes he skims them.

Monkeys as Pets - Cruel or Stupid?

Hi Mr Trivia,

I have been contemplating buying a monkey and keeping it as a pet - like Gert does in E.T. THE EXTRA TERRESTRIAL. My mother says I can't keep a monkey because we live in a small block of flats. What can I say to make her see f**king reason. BTW I am 12.

Monkey Keeper, St Kilda, Australia


Hi Monkey Keeper,

Your Old Dear will not see freaking (which is 7 letters long, MK - spelling!) reason because she is perfectly correct. A monkey is not a pet. Some of the more advanced primates can use tools, communicate in sign language and even pretend to be the Leader of the Free World (see what I did there!)

I must also take issue with your notion that they are some kind of extra terrestrial creature. I think you'll find they are "born of Terra" as we are.

But seriously, monkeys are like us, only a bit nicer. If you want a challenging pet, then purchase a goldfish. You just look at the little f**kers and they go belly up.

Cheers, Big Ears,

M. Le Trivia


Please Note:
Mr Trivia is neither a trained counsellor nor a lender be. His advice should be taken with a grain of salt and leap of faith.

What's the Deal with Maroon 5?

Dear Mr Trivia,

I read your blog with average enthusiasm. And you seem like someone who has a rapport with the common people, much like Dr Phil. Therefore I have two questions of you.

1. Why don't you like the band Maroon 5?
2. My brother keeps hitting me, how do I get him to stop?

Sincerely,

Lesley Maudesley, Auckland, New Zealand


Hi Lesley,

The answer to your first question is simple. They are crap. Only the existence of Nickelback prevents Maroon 5 from being the crappiest band of the Modern Era. And in case you're wondering, Nickelback are equally as crap.

The answer to your second question is a little harder as I was unable to ascertain either your age position in relation to your brother (is he your little or big brother?) or indeed your gender.

Either way, the safest option is to stop playing Either Maroon 5 or Nickelback on the stereo. Or iPod or whatever it is you kids play your music on, these days.

Regards,

Mr Trivia

Please Note:
Mr Trivia is neither a counsellor, nor any kind of accredited professional. Although he does know how to prepare fried ice cream. Please expect your questions to be handled with dignity, but very little expertise.