Tae Kwon Do's & Don'ts

Hi Barry,

I know you’re not necessarily about foretelling things from dreams or nothing, but I really think you might be able to help me with this one. I’ve had it a dozen times in the last three months.

First a little background, I am a thirty-year old Pisces female who lives in the Perth suburb of Victoria Park. I work in an administrative role at an insurance company and I could be promoted next year – I’m not sure. There’s another guy I work with who might get the promotion over me although I don’t think he’s as skilled as I am.

My husband Hans and I don’t have kids and have no plans to have them either. We have a cocker spaniel called Mutley. We are both keen Tae Kwon Do champions and are rated in the top ten respectively in our state.

I’m not sure if I want to take the promotion if I get it, because I am a bit dissatisfied with my job. I wonder if the dream has to do with this? Here goes:

I am walking along a footpath in the sunshine. Destiny’s Child’s BOOTYLICIOUS is playing on the ‘soundtrack’. I don’t really like the song. Suddenly the ground under my feet turns slippery – the path is made of oily, pan-fried veal cutlets. I fly off the path and into the river, which suddenly appears. Only its chocolate. I begin to drown; only I keep eating the chocolate. Even though it’s liquid, it tastes and feels like chocolate cake. Then I wake up.

Please help, Mr Bostwick.

Perth Pisces



Dear Perth Pisces,

If you’d come to me with this even a decade ago I probably would have given you a more Jungian approach to this dream – but like my acting, I work strictly from the gut these days – there’s no other way for M Le Bostwick.

Often in a dream, veal means unrealised talent. A river represents the future or the unknown. I think falling into the river and tasting chocolate cake is very telling. In Western Culture having too much chocolate cake means that you have had too much of a good thing.

Bringing all this together, I think its clear that both your psyche and the stars are pointing towards your leaving your jobs and travelling to Hollywood, USA to compete in Big League Tae Kwon Do, Don’t think about it, Pisces, be like the Goddess Nike and Just Do It!

By the way, you might want to look into the some of the copyright implications of your dream. If Bootylicious doesn’t get you into trouble, the chocolate river thing bears more than a passing similarity to the Augustus Gloop sequence in Charlie and The Chocolate factory – the estate of Roald Dahl could sue your ass off!

Till The Clouds Roll By,

Barry Bostwick

Hiatus

Dear Readers,

I would like to apologise for the six month hiatus in this column. Mr Bostwick has been pursuing his considerable show business commitments and I have toured the northern suburbs of Perth as well as the Wheatbelt and the Great Southern with my ventriloquist act (Porter 'n' Me)

Normal service has been resumed.

Regards,

Mr Trivia

A Streetcar Named Desiree

Hi Barry,

I'm an IT guy by day but my first love has always been musical theatre. I'm still new at this and any advice you can give will be much appreciated.

I'm currently in the chorus of a local production of THE GLASS MENAGERIE. Also in the chorus is a girl called Desiree. We've been rehearsing for two weeks (opening night is still a week away) and I think I can confidently state that there are sparks between us.

My question is, should I ask her out during the run of the play or is that not kosher?

Gentleman Caller
Booragoon,
WESTERN AUSTRALIA



Dear Gentleman Caller,

Mind how you go young feller-me-lad! The enegies you and Desiree need to give 100% to every performance of MENAGERIE wil be sadly dissipated if you begin any dalliance with this fair maiden.

Sometimes you're doing 8 shows a week for six months and during those times you have to put romance and your libido on the back burner. The Theatre is a demnanding mistress, my friend, but she will reward your sacrifice ten-fold if you excercise a little restraint!

Seeing as you're in IT I'll leave you with a gag my pal Tim Allen tells. Like you, he's a bit of a geek. Here goes

"There are 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't."

Ha, I wish I got that! But it always makes eggheads laugh.

Till The Clouds Roll By,

Barry Bostwick

Episode 1 and All that

Hey Mr Bostwick,

A friend and I, Star Wars fans both, have a bet that there's a longer cut of Episode 1 where you voiced a character called General Malfeasance? My friend sweaers by this, I say he's screwy. Which of us is correct - there's jar of macadamia nuts riding on this one, sir.

Reg Lambrusco,
Three Hummock Island,
Tasmania


Dearest Reg,

Your friend is indeed screwy! I wouldn't have anything to do with a so-called Star Wars, so-called film. My good friend Ewan MacGregor often drops by the house in Lake Como and he made it abundantly clear the difficulties of acting in an all green-screen environment whilst shooting Star Wars Episode 1:

At 62 years of age, I have more than paid my dues in this business we call show, I certainly don't intend to spend the final, glorious part of my career standing in a drafty studio acting with a CG Space Maggot who'll be droopped into the frame by some intern at ILM six months later. Know what I'm saying?

Enjoy the nuts!

Til The Clouds Roll By,
Barry Bostwick

Flat N' Tasty!

Dear Mr Bostwick,

I would much appreciate your help with the following 2 questions.

Q1. Is a pikelet really only a small pancake? The Missus (Kendra) reckons that's all it is, but I think there's a bit more to it.
What's the go, Mr B?

Q2. Acting wise do you lean more toward Stanislavski or the teachings of Meisner?

Regards,

Hugh Garfuncle
Booragoon
WESTERN AUSTRALIA



My Dearest Hugh,

You've really tested my culinary powers with this one - you sent me straight to the web to get clarification. What we in the US know as pancakes or flapjacks are mostly known as pancakes by you in the UK and former British Commonwealth countries. Although quite similar, the chief difference appears to be that the American version has a 'raising agent' like yeast involved in its creation - whereas you Brits, Kiwis and Aussies prefer a 'flatter' or 'thinner' pancake.

What is known as a pikelet or drop scone in Britain and former Commonwealth nations is called a silver-dollar pancake over here. Once again we prefer a raising agent. The chief difference between a pikelet and a pancake apart from size, is that a pikelet is usually served cold. I hope this has been of assistance.

Your question re: acting techniques. I was first introduced to Stanislavski by the late great Paul Lynde. It was New England and I was in a summer stock production of The Music Man. Lynde was a consumate Stanislavskian rather than a Method Actor. He felt that Strasberg's own interpretations of Stanislavski had diluted the great man's work. Years later during the whacky television sitcom "Temperatures Rising" I ran into Paul at the ABC Commisary and he directed me towards the work of Sanford Meisner. I actually knew Meisner a little - who didn't back then?! (interrobang). He was always bringing out his bongoes at various parties and playing along with the latest Carpenters' or Rod McKuen record. But if Paul said Meisner was on to something acting-wise, well naturally I took it a little more seriously.

I've been at this acting lark now, man and boy for forty years, so it is in my very bones. I don't worry too much about emotional memory these days. My last great acting teacher was, of all people, David Mamet. I was in a very early version of Glengarry Glen Ross, simply called "It's My Motherf___ing Party and I'll Cry if I Want To". I played Ricky Roma who I thought of as Danny Zuko grown up. Mamet never once corrected my interpretation. Not a single note for me. However he gave Kevin Spacey who was playing the part of Dave Moss, all kinds of notes. He didn't like his gait, he didn't like the way he said, "fandango". One time, Spacey got real mad and said that moving downstage at a certain moment to pick up a file was 'dumb and unmotivated'. Mamet lost it. He said he didn't care what an actor was thinking or feeling when he picked up a prop or gave a speech. We just had to learn the lines and say them in order and make sure our flies were up unless we were in a production of Hair.

He had a point.

Till the Clouds Roll By,

Barry Bostwick

Sea Change

Dear Mr Trivia,

I hope you won't be offended but I think my problem might be more effectively handled by Mr Bostwick.

Mr Bostwick, I have been a dentist for 20 years and although I have considered throwing in the towel many times, I have always continued in this awful, awful job. Last year there was even a moment when I considered burning my dental surgery to the ground so I could collect the insurance money!

However, recently I have joined a local community theater and I have really enjoyed playing bit parts in STREETCAR, OUR TOWN, ANNE OF GREEN GABLES et al. Recently our director, Bernard, has offered me the role of Daddy Johann Sebastian Brubeck — The leader of the Rhythm of Life Church in SWEET CHARITY.

My question is this? Should I hold out for a major role like Oscar Lindquist?

Regards,

Lane Twipper
(Not My Real Name)
NEWPORT



Dearest Lane,

Make no mistake, Oscar Linquist is an utter pill! The man is a cube - ie six times worse than a square!! It's really an awful scoldy, sad, emasculated nothing of a role.

Since you are rising in the ranks there is no need to get too greedy too quickly. In the 1986 Broadway production of SWEET CHARITY (Debbie Allen was a smash!) I took on the role of Big Daddy even though I was clearly over-qualified. Other than If They Could See Me Now, the song Rhythm of Life is the unqualified hit of the show. You won't have much time on stage, friend, but what there is will be 100% sizzle!

Carpe Diem, Lane!

Barry Bostwick

The Next Level

Dear Mr Trivia,

I met Jeff (not his real name) in high school last year. But we really got to know each other better when he started coming to my church. After six months or so of being on the same committees and organizing events together, we started seeing each other out of church and school.

We really ‘clicked’. Jeff is an amazing guy and is really mature for his age (18).

He is now working in photocopy repair and I have a job at the local library - life seems to better than I could have ever believed possible. The thing is, we can see ourselves marrying and having a family together. We talk about it all the time. But I am concerned. Because of the way we were raised, we still haven’t done all the things that a lot of other couples of our age might have done by this time.

Jeff is okay with this. And I mostly am as well, but sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be better if we “took our relationship to the next level” if you know what I mean?

Concerned,
Tinkersville
Philadelphia



Dear Concerned,

You are both so young. Having a joint account is a huge step in the life of a couple. Can Jeff handle money well? Can you? What are your budgeting skills like? Would you consider Jeff a spendthrift or a miser – because neither is good in a relationship. Do you find yourselves continually borrowing money?

These are questions you must sit down and ask of yourselves in an atmosphere of complete honesty.

The chief factors affecting relationships the world over are money and sex. Thankfully this time your problem is financial rather than sexual.

Regards,

Mr Trivia

Cos Lettuce

Dear Mr Trivia,

I am a recent convert to lettuce for health reasons. I eat a lot of Red Coral and Green Coral and quite a bit of Cos, but as yet have not been able to return to my childhood staple, Iceberg Lettuce. Is Iceberg simply something to be left behind from my infant days like Farley's rusks, the Slinky and my cap gun or should I give it another go?

Cheers,

New Vego
Newtown
NEW SOUTH WALES


Dear New Vego,

Iceberg is under-rated exactly for the reasons you describe, we had too much of it as kids. However, your own creativity can bring, let's say it - MAGIC - to this rather mundane, watery leaf. Not Unicorn magic, perhaps, but culinary magic, at least.

Give the Iceberg another shot, because soon enough, the only kind of Iceberg you will find, will be the lettuce.

Regards,

Mr Trivia


Mr Trivia would like it known that he intends to end many of his future letters with just this brand of self-righteous satire. So look out Ask Mr Trivia fans.

A Boy Named Brett

Dear Mr Trivia,

I have an unusual problem and I hope you can help. My Name is Brett and I have lived all over because I was an army brat. So I have seen many parts of the world and I am comfortable – and in fact enjoy – many different climes and cultures. When my Dad was stationed in, what was then, West Germany for about five years, I learnt fluency in German and still travel to Bonn yearly, to visit with my old friends.

So I feel I am reasonably well-travelled and educated. Anyways, recently I got married to a Canadian school-teacher called Maureen. We met, and in fact, live in Japan, where she teaches English to adults.

Maureen is smart, but not as well travelled as I, which is where, I believe the trouble starts. She doesn’t think my name, Brett, is particularly masculine. She says, and I quote: “Oh, it's like Lesley, Ashley, Jessie or Kim. It’s a unisex name.”

Now, wherever I have travelled, I have received compliments and praise for the obvious masculinity of the name Brett. In fact not one, but two couples of my acquaintance have named their newborn, boy-children after me.

I think it’s a very masculine name.

The root cause of the problem is the series Grace Under Fire (1993-1998) which, if you recall, was made in the wake of Roseanne and was another blue-collar, strong-woman sitcom. It starred the stand-up comic Brett Butler. And she is undeniably female.

Its on cable over here and I have taken to watching it in the early evening when Maureen comes home from teaching. I think Brett Butler has a droll delivery and fine womanly qualities. But as far as I know, she is one of the few women to be called by our name.

Can you help me, sir?

Brett Xenephontos
Tokyo, JAPAN


Dear Brett,

Just a guess, but I think Maureen might have intuited your attraction to Brett Butler’s “fine, womanly qualities” and she is getting back at you through passive-aggressive sniping.

I suggest you first take it up with her in a conversation and perhaps as a last resort, if conversation fails, consider watching another sitcom such as ACCORDING TO JIM ... kidding! (about ATJ, not about the talking).

Good Luck!

Mr Trivia



Mr Trivia would like to remind all couples that your partner’s idea of a sex symbol is every bit as ludicrous as your own.

Global Warming

Hi Mr Trivia,

Global Warming is Crap, right?

According to the internet the Bush administration opposed the Kyoto protocol for good reasons. And I quote:

"Bush explained in a 2001 speech why he opposed joining the Kyoto Protocol, a global agreement to curb greenhouse gases: "The (Kyoto) targets themselves were arbitrary and not based upon science. For America, complying with those mandates would have a negative economic impact, with layoffs of workers and price increases."

So why are we worried?

Anne Optimimist
Darwin
Northern Territory
AUSTRALIA



Hi Anne,

I'm not worried at all. I'm currently purchasing a property 100 metres above sea level. Around 2020 you can row over in your dinghy and we can laugh about old times.

Cheers,

Mr Trivia


Mr Trivia congratulates those who were more concerned about regime change than climate change for being unafraid to assume the role of modern-day Nero.

What About 2007?

Dear Mister Trivial,

My Significant Other, Carlos, and I would like to get married and have one, maybe four kids. But every night I dream that I am at the edge of a high walkway. I lean on the handrail, testing it. I look over the edge down to the ground which is six maybe seven storeys below. I climb up onto the railing in slow, slow, motion, then I dive into space - floating, drifting, - but definitely falling - and then I wake up.

Am I dreaming about my fears of marrying Carlos who was a sci-fi geek with a tax problem when I met him 5 years ago - so he's a bit of a dreamer and a bit irresponsible with finances - or are these more generalised fears about 2007?

Yours Sincerely,

Leeanne Mariner,
Rottnest Island,
WESTERN AUSTRALIA



Hi Leanne,

I think the giveaway is the term "sci-fi geek". On the new Battlestar Galactica, series 2 (2006), The Chief had exactly the same dream. Both you and he fear that inside you might be a Cylon. Fortunately, Cylons are fictional creations of Glen A Larson's, so I think you'll be okay.

Good Hunting,

Mister Trivia


Mister Trivia would like to make it clear to readers that he is in no way a sci-fi geek himself.