Star Trek: The Hirsuite Generation

Hi Triv-Meister,

I was talking with my Dad, Larry, the other day and he admitted that although he had enjoyed STAR TREK:Original Recipe with Shatner back in the 1960s, he despised Next Gen starring Patrick Stewart as the Cappy or the Skip.

The problem? He says that in the 23rd Century baldness would be cured and Jean Luc Picard should have a full head of hair. This rumination spoiled his enjoyment to the extent that he skipped the entire series, went straight past Deep Space Nine (Sisko is a chrome dome,too) and ended up watching STAR TREK: Voyager, instead.

Without a word of lie, bruvva.

Barney Pifton
Tierra Del Fuego


Hi Barney,

Um, when we move out of home, we leave with the expectation that we know and understand our parents. Then, one day, usually after more than five years have elapsed, we are struck with the stunning revelation that, in fact, we only THINK we know who are parents are.

Drop this expectation and you'll discover things will flow much more easily. Larry is only genetically and technically your father now. If he also turns out to be more of an eccentric weirdo than the stern discplinarian who made you eat your peas - well - you've both gained something.

Cheers,

Mr Trivia


Mr Trivia would like to remind all visitors that learning to love oneself is the first step towards a satisfying lifetime of narcissism.

Defining Life

Hi,
Life is a cabaret, Old Chum?

Confused,
Prince Edward Island,
CANADA


Dear Confused.

Once again, a reader has sent me a statement posing as a question. So I will not so much as answer it, as riff on it. Life is NOT a Cabaret. Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson BROKE UP! I rest my case.

Mr Trivia

p.s. Okay, not so much riff and rant. Whatever.


Mr Trivia would like to remind youse guys Spring Back, Fall Forward. Also make sure your clocks are set for Daylight Savings.

I Wanna Rock

Hi Meester Treev,

I wore a Rock T last Wednesday, just like you said. But no one seemed to remember Mary's Danish. They're all "Paris Hilton, Hillary Duff and The Veronicas - whoever the hell they all are". Who's out of time - me or the world?

Double-Jointed Duke
Balcatta,
WESTERN AUSTRALIA



Yo Duke,

Without a word of a lie, I thought you were referring to the formerly Australian, now Danish, Princess Mary. To which i would say, sure she's Danish - it was in the pre-nup.

But you meant, the 1990s college-charting band Mary's Danish. "Don't Crash The Car Tonight" and etc. And all of that is more over than George W's presidency.

Next Rocktober, be like Mr Trivia and wear a Maroon 5 T-Shirt to work. No one will understand, and face it - being understood is just too damn EASY

Am I right?

Mr Trivia

BTW, thanks for the Vice Versas - they were choice. Word,

Mr Trivia would like to remind himself to put the bin out this Sunday.

Intervention, When?

Dear Mr Trivia,

My dad, who has recently retired from his job as financial consultant, seems to be without any sense of direction or motivation in his life.

He's 62 years old, but very fit and healthy for his age. But because his working life was so busy he never developed any hobbies. For the last three months he's spent his days watching 10-12 hours of cable television daily.

He watches the Cooking Channel and the Lifestyle Channel, which is cool I guess, but he also spends a lot of time watching the Fashion Channel and a bunch of alleged music shows which seemed to involve gyrating teenagers in midriff tops.

But even worse, he has grown his hair out into a kind of mullet and has taken to drinking those pre-mixed cocktails in a can. When he does leave the loungeroom he sits out on the front step of the house and shouts out (to no one in particular) stuff like: "Rock and Roll!"

Should our family have an intervention for him?

Concerned Daughter,
North Melbourne
VICTORIA, OZ


Dear Concerned Daughter,

It's been three months, eh? Give him three more and then start the ball rolling to 12-stepping your deadbeat retiree dad.

In the meanwhile get him involved in nexrt Wednesday's Wear A Rock T-Shirt Day. He seems to have the right spirit.

Cheers,

Mr Trivia

Mr Trivia would like to remind those asking him for advice that he is almost as clueless as anyone else on the Web, except maybe David Koch from Channel 7's Sunrise program.

Sleep is for the Weak

Hey, Mr Trivia!

Sophocles or maybe Tony Soprano once said called sleep "Death's Brother". How good is that, hey? I've been an insomnio for nearly ten years. I just can't get any sleep at all. So I thought one day that the best thing would be to restructure my life and forget about the need for needing sleep.

So I decided that I would no longer need the need for sleep. And then I would be less tired, do more work and need less sleep. And this, my friend, is exactly what has turned out to be the truth, my friend.

You dig, man?

The way I do it is that first I tell myself that I don't need sleep.

Two, I drink lots of Red Bull drinks. Three or so.

Finally, I consume perhaps seven tablespoons of sugar and slug down 10 mls of food colouring.

Four, I do a mind trick that is halfway between meditation and mediation and self-hypnosis.

Only then do I vanquish and vanish the need for the need for sleep.

You might want to try it yourself guys! Or not!

Kovac
Coober Pedy
SOUTH AUSTRALIA



Dear Kovac,

If you're a long-haul truck-driver, which I suspect you are, you have to stop driving NOW, MAN! Stop reading my blog on the 'net, pull the truck off the road into a safe place, and catch about 20 hours of zees and pay off that sleep debt, buddy!

Remember: TRUCKERS CARRY THIS COUNTRY!

Jeez,

Mr Trivia

Mr Trivia would like to caution drivers against using the internet while they drive. However, watching a nice DVD like Finding Nemo, whilst driving, seems harmless.

What the Hell is SexyBack?

Hi Mr Trivia,

Is there any truth to the rumour that Justin Timerlake is bringing SexyBack?

Confused,
Ontario
CANADA


Hi Confused,

No. He isn't. He's bringing PoorSpacingBetweenLettersBack. And also DistortedVocalsBack. However he remains as essentially lame as the day he and Janet Jackson came up with wardrobe malfunction at the Superbowl half-time show. Remember his weak apology? I'm still a nice guy, was his his message. "Didn't want to offend". Notice how most of the heat attached to Jackson?

Just like the time he was Punk'd and all his faux ebonics quickly broke down into very uncool 'yes sir' and 'no sir' answers because he was scared.

Put a little pressure on JT and he'll bring GutlessBack at lightspeed.

He's really a witless puppet who wants us to forget his boyband and Britney past.

Cheers,

Mr Trivia


Mr Trivia would like to assure readers that his relentless slamming of celebrities with no talent (Paris Hilton) and little talent (JT) is based on pure envy of their youth, good looks and money. When you have these things, talent is an optional extra, yes?

What About Vice Versas?

Dear Mr Trivia,

I really used to enjoy those chocolate-shelled sweets known as Vice Versas. White chocolate with a dark shell and milk chocolate with a white shell. Why aren't Nestle making these anymore?

Puzzled,
Crows Nest
New South Wales
AUSTRALIA


Dear Puzzled,

I share your sense of lost re: Vice Versas. I believe the withdrawal of vice versas from sale in Australia some 12 years ago now, is mere short-sightedness on behalf of the great confectioners Nestle, rather than the Byzantine conspiracy your letter hints at between the lines. I intend to do some digging on this question and I will return with my findings. Watch this space, friend.

Mr Trivia


Mr Trivia would like to remind readers that Ghost Whisperer isn't in any way real - or indeed an acceptable form of entertainment unless of course one's remote control is busted.

Real Rock Royalty

Hi M. Le Triv,

Pammy and Kid Rock, rock & roll royalty? What-ev-errr?!

Here in Europe we got Peter Andre and Katie (Jordan) Price. Kid Rock and Pam are so clearly the knock-offs! They copied our Katie and Pete!

It's sooooooooo obvious.

Props to Jordan and Peter from Down Under.

They are the real stars.

Missy Gumption,
London, EUROPE



Hi Missy,

Not really an Ask Mr Trivia, was it? While some sans taste might find Jordan and ex-pat, former Oz, Andre, resemble rock and roll royalty; I think their resemblance is analogous to the way in which a Vic 20 resembles a Blackberry. Do you feel me?

Mr Trivia


Mr Trivia would like to remind readers what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. It's a quote. Eminem or someone. Look it up.

Sticky Problem

Hello Mr Trivia,

Got a tricky one here, son. I know you're supposed to use peanut butter to get chewing gum out of your hair, but how do you get hair out of your gum? I have a piece of Wrigley's that I have been chewing and resting on my bedside table for the last 72 hours. Somewhere along the way, a hair has become entangled in it. The gum is good for at least another 48 hours, so you can see I'm really in a tight spot here - I simply have to continue my chewing regimen.

I've already tried using peanut butter b.t.w. and it didn't work.

Carl Corcoran
Dublin,
IRELAND


Hello Carl,

Eat around the hair carefully, dispose of the piece with the strand of hair in it. Presto!

Mr Trivia


Mr Trivia needs to express his outrage that there does not appear to be an Asterix in Space book. The brand needs to move in this direction, surely?

Enough, already...

Triv,

Seriously, dude. Kid Rock? Isn't it time you turned to non-Kid Rock related items? There's plenty happening in the world, today buddy. John Howard suffered a reversal in the senate, financial experts are concerned that 2007 isn't looking too bright because world oil prices will continue to rise, interest rates are going up...

And I don't really give a crap about any of that - I just can't deal with hearing about Kid Rock all the damn the time. I mean who the hell is Kid Rock for crying out loud!

Anti-Kid
Nedlands,
WESTERN AUSTRALIA


Hi Anti,

I'm glad you asked. Kid Rock is Detroit rap-metal-country artist, Robert James Ritchie. Check his Wikipedia profile here or his official website here. Oh, and Uncle Kracker used to be in his band - need I say more? Perhaps one more thing, Kid Rock is a free spirit who roams the sunlit uplands of our popular culture like a spritely faun. (Think Mr Tumnus, but with more street cred).

Later dude,

Mr Trivia


Mr Trivia feels it is incumbent upon his position as a cultural commentator to remind you of these Culture Club lyrics: "War is stupid, People are stupid and love means nothing in some strange quarters." Ohh, yeah. Thrusk.

Stop Dissin' Kid Rock!

Hi Mr Trivia,

I like the way you try to answer people's questions with an answer, even when you have no idea what you're talking about. But it seems like you're always dissin' my man, Kid Rock. What up, G?

Bryce Kwok,
SINGAPORE


Hi Bryce,

Make no mistake, Kid Rock is the Man. Adam Levine of Maroon 5 isn't worthy to iron Mr Rock's shirt (when he cares to wear one). In addition, Kid recently got hitched to Pamela Anderson. She was tired of being with wayward, impulsive, attention-seekers like Tommy Lee, so clearly Mr Rock was a breath of fresh air.

Best of luck to the Rocks. May happiness find them wherever they roll.

Mr Trivia


Mr Trivia would like to remind visitors that we would validate your parking if we could, but we can't. Sorry

Television Getting Dumber?

Yo, Mister Triv,

Am I getting a smarter or is television, particularly commercial, free to air, network television, becoming even stupider?

Puzzled, Frankfurt,
Germany, EUROPE


Dear Puzzled,

Television is getting more and more stupid. Bits of it are still quite good. Deadwood, Battlestar Galactica, Myth Busters and The Trailer Park Boys for example, but most of it is extremely stupid and insulting. Australian free-to-air commercial telly is about as intelligent and engaging as a stepped-on Tamagotchi.

Interestingly you are getting smarter, too. As a species we are evolving about as fast as television is devolving. However the internet and associated tech is evolving about twice as fast as we are, so expect to get lapped by your PC any day now.

Cheers & Elevate the Insignificant,

Mr Trivia

Mr Trivia would like to remind visitors to this blog that all computers are inherently Spyware already. So don't put your daughter on the stage Mrs Worthington and etc.

Milk First?

Dear Mr Trivia,

My partner, who in almost all instances is a dear, sweet man, is fixated on the idea that milk should be poured into the cup before the tea. Is he a pedantic, fussy weirdo - or does he have a point?

Ava Zavaroni
Geneva,
Switzerland


Dear Ava,

Your partner is only technically correct. Many a tea-fascist favours this methodology claiming that milk first makes the tea tastes better. There is also quite a lot of urban mythology about cheap china tea cups cracking when coming into contact with hot water, which, frankly, sounds like codswallop to me.

The most important thing is to see whatever the hell seems to work best for you and flip the bird to those who would dare correct you on a matter of taste. As I have said in the past, when it's a matter of taste no one can say you are wrong.

Click here and here for further information about this petty and annoying subject.

Peace Out,

Mr Trivia


Mr Trivia would like to pledge his support for the excellent malted beverage Horlicks.

What Ever Happened to Music?

Hi Mr Trivia,

Back in the old days, long before Nickleback and Limp Bizkit, when I was about 15, Joe Satriani released Surfing With The Alien and it was the best album I had ever heard, have ever heard, will ever hear.

Why isn't music as good as it used to be?

Carla De Safiro,
Corsica,
EUROPE


Hi Carla,

Well, it's nostalgia, isn't it? Surfin' with the Alien doesn't mean beans to the kids of today - and nor should it. No matter how much you try to persuade others, that what you like is better than the tripe they listen to - you will never acheive your aim. Matters of taste are simply beyond rational argument.

Except for Maroon 5 of course, who are shit.

Regards,

Mr Trivia


Mr Trivia would like to remind 'Maroon 5' fans that what they are doing , is simply not cool.

Kid Rock's Charisma

Yo Mr Trivia,

It's me again. Spencer has bet me that "Kid Rock has no discernible charisma" surely that's a slanderous statement, given his really cool lifestyle and many talents?

Do I pay Spencer his 20 cents or not?

Massimo Zampogna
Firenze, Italia


Hi Massimo,

The key word here is "discernible". It's really "an eye of the beholder" qualifier. I personally believe that Kid Rock has all the charisma of Captain Stubing from The Love Boat. But if you Google "Kid Rock" then you get 5,790,000 hits. And of course there's all that nonsense with Scott Stapp. If you don't know what that is, you'd better Google that, too.

Anyway, I reckon Spencer owes you 10 cents.

Cheers,

Mr Trivia


Mr Trivia would like to remind readers that giving yourself a nickname that includes the word "Kid" or "Boy" or some youthful adjective is bound to look tired and embarrassing as you head towards 40.

Keepin' It Casual

Hi Mr Triv,

I like to keep things casual and this includes relationships if you know what I mean. But my GF can't handle this. Should I kick her to the kerb or not? We've been together for three weeks.

Miss(ing my) Freedom



Hi Miss Freedom,

It sounds as if your relationship has run it's course. Invest in a Sudoku book instead. Or...and this is a big Or... keep plugging away at it, every single day, until such time as it works and feels beautiful, and as magical as breathing. Or until such time that the very sight of each other fills you both with dread and loathing.

Owning yourself is about choice I'm afraid.

Good Luck!

Mr Trivia

p.s. If youse guys do break up, might I suggest repeated viewings of Beaches interspersed with occassional viewings of Star Trek 2:The Wrath of Khan?


Mr Trivia would like to remind his readers that drinking lots of alcohol and driving a Hum V through a plate glass window is really stupid unless you're Paris Hilton.

Steve Leibman NFW!

Hi Mr Trivia,

I was watching television this evening and I discovered that Steve F**king Leibman is now the weekend newsreader on Network 10. I mean for crying out loud! Didn't he retire? What does it take to get rid of this guy?

Leibman Despiser
Mansfield, Victoria
Australia


Hi Despiser,

It's really not that bad. Leibman, although dull and pedantic on his many years as TODAY show co-anchor is now merely a newsreader. Newsreaders have an ersatz personality built on appearing calm while reading about awful life-changing events or about dogs on surfboards at the end of the news.

Leibo won't piss you off nearly so much now. He wants to feel useful, so breathe through it , my friend. It's not that bad.

Mr Trivia


Mr Trivia would like to acknowledge that he always accentuates the positive and eliminates the negative wherever possible.

Colour Me Confused

Hi Mr Trivia,

It's 2006 so the old bromide "Blue and Green Must Never Be Seen" surely that's an old thing from the olden days before we had polyphonic ringtones and the like. Surely.

If I wanted to - f'rinstance - wear blue denim jeans, a jean jacket and a lincoln green T - surely that would be okay in these more relaxed times. Yeah?

Regards,

Mycron Blabey,
Hobart, Tasmania,
AUSTRALIA


Hi Micron.

I think the form of this answer should tell ya. BLUE AND GREEN SHOULD NEVER BE SEEN. Stick to it, dude.

Mr Trivia


Mr Trivia would like it known that although he has watched the Charlie Sheen sitcom TWO AND HALF MEN he laughed but once. And that was really only a snicker.

Kung Fu Not Real, Right?

Yo Mr Trivia,

My Friend Spencer and me have a bet for 10 dollars American, about Kung Fu. I say that it's a series of clever camera tricks, stunt-work, wire-work and computer generated animation that makes it look as though human beings are doing super-human feats of stength, athleticism and acrobaticism. It's origins are in the US television show of the 1970s "Kung Fu" starring David Carradine. It is all fake like another American show of the same era "The Six Million Dollar Man" starring Lee Majors. (Who, at that time, was married to Farrah Fawcett.)

Spencer says Kung Fu is an ancient Chinese martial art whose best practitioners can perform amazing feats of strength and speed.

Which of us is right?

Massimo Zampogna,
Firenze, Italia

P.S. Thanks for your help with the "According to Jim" question.



Hi Massimo,

Thanks for your comments. I am here to serve. As for the bet, Spencer is right again. Pay the man.

Mr Trivia



Please Note:
Mr Trivia would like to remind his readers of the time he was was working part-time at the Five & Dime. His boss was Mr McGee.

I Like Smoke and Lightning

Dear Mr Trivia,

I am a (usually) normal 36 year old mother of two girls married to a man I have known for fourteen years. For the last six years I have woken at 6am to get the family ready for school and work etc. So far, so blah.

In the last seven weeks I have woken with the tune and lyrics of Steppenwolf's "Born To Be Wild" pulsing in my head. After about five minutes or so of this, I start singing along. "Get your motor running and etc. It annoys my husband and now it's starting to drive the kids crazy!

I even downloaded Born to be Wild onto my iPod and played it for two days straight to drive it out of my head, but it didn't work!

Please, what can I do to stop this from happening?

Heavy Metal Thunder,
Anchorage,
Alaska, USA



Dear Heavy Metal,

I'm no expert, however I believe this is your subconscious mind telling your conscious mind to buy a motorcycle of some kind. Naturally a Harley would probably be the safest bet. Start looking through the yellow pages and be prepared to get out on the open road.

Although I could be wrong.

Mr Trivia



Please Note:
Mr Trivia is no kind of expert when it comes to counselling the mentally disordered or the love-lorn. He admits that he could be wrong.

It's Meta-Belushi, Right?

Yo, Mr Triv!

My friend Spencer and me have a $5 (American) bet . I say that According to Jim is a meta-sitcom because it is sending up Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens et. al. Clearly Jim Belushi "workin' stiff" isn't meant to be funny because he is too boorish, stupid, insensitive, detached and - let's face it - poorly-acted by Jim Belushi to be anything but a deeply witty "put-on" by some of the sharpest writers and performers working in US network sitcom since the Seinfeld.

Spencer says they "mean it". Little help here.

Massimo Zampogna, Firenze, Italia



Hi Massimo.

You owe Spencer five dollars American.

Mr Trivia



Please Note:
Although Mr Trivia says he is an atheist, he does so whilst crossing his fingers.

Is This Love?

Hi Mr Trivia,

I think I'm in love with Johanna Griggs from Better Homes and Gardens. Every Friday when I watch the show, her eyes seem to shine with a strong light of self-possessed contentment. She has all the qualities of a Mother Teresa plus she's real hot. Please Advise.

Griggsy Lover, Sydney, Australia


Hi Griggsy Lover,

You are completely, categorically wrong. You are infatuated with an image on your television screen. Grow up, man (or woman)! Love is about two people sharing something. It's about meeting someone and establishing a relationship built on trust. You, sad to say, have fallen for the most obvious trick in this outrageously false world in which we live.

The television screen is a one-way window, friend.

On their side there is a clean, lighted world of joy, love, adventure, happiness, fun, sex, food and incredibly large rooms even though the characters are only students or struggling clerks.

On our side there is naught but suffering and unhappiness and of course eventual death.

But you can only love in our world Griggsy-Lover. Their world is as closed to us as the Portal was to the lame child in that poem about the Pied Piper.

Hasta La Vista, Baby!

Senor Trivia


Please Note:
While Mr Trivia takes all possible care to read and understand your letters, sometimes he skims them.

Monkeys as Pets - Cruel or Stupid?

Hi Mr Trivia,

I have been contemplating buying a monkey and keeping it as a pet - like Gert does in E.T. THE EXTRA TERRESTRIAL. My mother says I can't keep a monkey because we live in a small block of flats. What can I say to make her see f**king reason. BTW I am 12.

Monkey Keeper, St Kilda, Australia


Hi Monkey Keeper,

Your Old Dear will not see freaking (which is 7 letters long, MK - spelling!) reason because she is perfectly correct. A monkey is not a pet. Some of the more advanced primates can use tools, communicate in sign language and even pretend to be the Leader of the Free World (see what I did there!)

I must also take issue with your notion that they are some kind of extra terrestrial creature. I think you'll find they are "born of Terra" as we are.

But seriously, monkeys are like us, only a bit nicer. If you want a challenging pet, then purchase a goldfish. You just look at the little f**kers and they go belly up.

Cheers, Big Ears,

M. Le Trivia


Please Note:
Mr Trivia is neither a trained counsellor nor a lender be. His advice should be taken with a grain of salt and leap of faith.

What's the Deal with Maroon 5?

Dear Mr Trivia,

I read your blog with average enthusiasm. And you seem like someone who has a rapport with the common people, much like Dr Phil. Therefore I have two questions of you.

1. Why don't you like the band Maroon 5?
2. My brother keeps hitting me, how do I get him to stop?

Sincerely,

Lesley Maudesley, Auckland, New Zealand


Hi Lesley,

The answer to your first question is simple. They are crap. Only the existence of Nickelback prevents Maroon 5 from being the crappiest band of the Modern Era. And in case you're wondering, Nickelback are equally as crap.

The answer to your second question is a little harder as I was unable to ascertain either your age position in relation to your brother (is he your little or big brother?) or indeed your gender.

Either way, the safest option is to stop playing Either Maroon 5 or Nickelback on the stereo. Or iPod or whatever it is you kids play your music on, these days.

Regards,

Mr Trivia

Please Note:
Mr Trivia is neither a counsellor, nor any kind of accredited professional. Although he does know how to prepare fried ice cream. Please expect your questions to be handled with dignity, but very little expertise.